Funk-a-Dunk

I am one who is prone to getting into a funk. I don't even know if it should be called "funk" as the words "great depression" describe my mood so much better. It truly confuses me why i get this way. Yes, we have some issues here on the home-front, but they are none that can't be dealt with or that are life threatening. When i compare my issues with other issues that friends have or are dealing with, my issues start to look like little molehills instead of issues.

With this 'funk', comes the need (okay, the WANT) to just stay hidden and alone. If i could arrange it, an entire week under the bed covers would be divine. Of course, i can't arrange that, so i shuffle through the day, counting on my Diet Coke to kick me in gear. Isolating yourself isn't the smartest thing, you know, when you feel this way. Being alone just adds more fuel to the fire, it seems. Besides, to be honest, having others around would probably help...of course, it could make one nut up, also, lol.

Then comes guilt and shame. Guilt for being selfish for not living each moment to the fullest. Many folks would love to have the chance to live each day to the fullest. Lord knows my Mama would. Shame for being in this funk....i have so much to feel grateful for that i am ashamed for being in this kind of mood.

Perhaps it's the weather; winter isn't my favorite time of year. Maybe it's that i am missing my Mama even more than usual. Maybe it's due to the Power of Change course that i am taking.....truly, this course it the hardest course i have E.V.E.R. enrolled in. Maybe it is the combination of all three of these things. Whatever the reason, i am tired of feeling my heart ache.

So, at the suggestion of my husband, i am going to start a Grateful Journal again. I will write down 5 things every morning that i am grateful for. While i think that this sounds simplistic and won't work to pull me out of this, at this point, i am willing to try anything.

I'm also going to start walking with Pickles after i drop Emma off at school. She needs some good puppy exercise, and a walk sure couldn't hurt me. Perhaps being in the sun with fresh air will be something that helps....just as the Grateful Journal, it sure couldn't hurt.

Off to work on my new Grateful Journal....

School, Fun and Issues.....

I love this photo of these rocks. They are pretty rocks, with hearts on them. They have nothing what-so-ever to do with this post, but i love this pic anyway.

Growing up, i wasn't a fan of school. I was afraid of my own shadow, so that explains a lot of it. I wanted to be near my Mama. She and i had lived in Spain with my Abeula while my Dad was stationed in places we couldn't go, so it was pretty much the two of us, all of the time. Since she couldn't come to school with me, well, let us just say that i was not a very easy student to deal with. I wasn't a mean kid, just very quiet and kept to myself.

That's why i was happy when i saw that little Emma was comfortable around others. In fact, she loves being around others! This was a good thing, because if you're not scared of your shadow or your own voice, school can be a fun place of friends and of learning.

Or so i thought.

We have some issues.

Oh do we have some issues....

...but the good part of these issues seem to be that Emma's teachers are talking fondly of her, telling us that she is a sweet, smart, funny little girl who they hope they won't have to strangle before the year is out is trying her best to do better. Emma apologizes when she knows she's done wrong, which is a good thing. But i apologized, too, when i did something wrong. But in saying that, when i was in school, i don't remember:

~dinging little boys on the head with my book bag because they tried to hold my hand.

~throwing things in class, mostly because i didn't want any attention drawn to me

~hitting a teacher's glasses off her head and throwing them into the toilet

~doinking another child over the head with a dinosaur because she felt they weren't helping clean up

~laughing like a hyena at times when quiet/listening is called for

~burping and farting with another little boy to see who can burp/fart louder

You would think that i was raising Emma in a barn with the barn animals, yes?

Emma has issues listening and following directions. Keeping her hands to herself also seems to be an issue. It breaks my heart, though, when she tells me that she hates herself because she's 'bad' or that she doesn't like herself. I also hated hearing that she wanted to be called another child's name because she thought that this little girl was "good". This has lead to many conversations between she and i about the fact that "she" is not bad, her actions are, hating ourselves is never the answer and God made us as we are and He only made ONE of each of us. Thankfully, the past few weeks, we've had a bit of a break thru and she's had 3 smiley face days with notes of how well she's doing. I love seeing her so excited about "counting to ten" before she does something she is thinking about doing and getting a star stamp on her hand for a 'good job'.

I want Emma to love school and learning. I want to help her understand how amazing it is to learn something, to read good books and to do your best. I've started studying at the table for a class i am taking where she can see me and she'll come 'study', too. But most of all, i want to nip in the bud the talk/thought that she is 'bad', she 'hates' herself or wants to be someone else. That kind of stuff is truly destructive to one's soul and she's much too young for that...

I have some research to do, i think. If you are inclined to, please keep Emma in your prayers to become a strong, healthy little girl who loves herself just as God made her to be...