A Birthday Post

 

Dear Me,

Today is our birthday! Yes, today, we are forty-four years old. Thankfully, we have recovered from the unbelievable shock surprise of thinking that we were turning forty-six years old today and not the forty-four that we really are. A goal for next year for us is to finally sharpen up on those lacking math skills so that kind of "funny" mistake doesn't happen again. No need to add on years when we haven't worked for them!

It is a sunshine filled morning and it is crisp, and fall-like. This is our favorite time of year! Everyone is still asleep, snoring not so softly in their spots. We've done my morning walk-about to check on Emma, who thankfully still has her clothes (and her diaper!) on this morning. I am sure, however, that by the time we go wake her up, she will be naked as a jay bird, and will shout "Gwood Mowroring, Cuwpcake!" to us when we open her door. But it really doesn't matter, as i love how she is so excited to see us in the mornings. Especially this morning....

We didn't get a call today from my Mom singing us "Happy Birthday" in Spanish. I remember thinking how corny my Mom was when she did that. What we wouldn't give to hear her cat-scratch singing voice (that matches my cat-scratch singing voice!) singing to us in Spanish today. Corny or not, those are some of my happiest memories of her. And it makes me realize that it really is the little things that you do for someone that mean the most. We haven't heard from my sister or father, but then, we didn't expect to.

We did my annual "Lets Stare At Ourselves In The Mirror" this morning. Not bad. Not amazing (but amazing in God's eyes, i'm sure....) but not bad. Everything we have works, it still works like it is suppose to, and dang it, we are having a great hair day! Our eyes are still a strong blue, our hair isn't grey (hush, yes, i know i got it colored a few weekends ago!), our skin finally looks like a woman's skin as opposed to a teenager's acne pit, our wrinkles are soft but there and we are still hoping that we'll grow another 4 inches but we really need to give up on that. Loosing weight would make more sense! If it hasn't happened by now, that growing taller thing just isn't going to happen. We'd love longer legs and a lot smaller waist, but we know that we have much to be grateful for in the way of health.

It has been a year of change for us, hasn't it? As we've gotten older, we want (or maybe it's "need") to search to find a purpose, a way to contribute to human-kind. It's not all about us, no matter how much fun that was while it was going on. It truly is more important to give, to love, to take care of others. I wished that we would have figured this out a long while ago...we have found causes that we want to support and get involved in. No more waiting for "someone" to do something; it's up to us, you know.

It's also time to lighten up on ourselves. No more bad mouthing to ourselves, no more negative talk, no more thinking that we are the clueless or stupid or dumb Mommy/friend/person. We have much to offer and the only thing that kind of talk does is get in the way of things we could be doing. Besides, it's not much of an example to Emma to act this way with ourselves.

Continue on the journey of religion that we've started. There is so very much to learn and we are blessed to have so many friends and mentors that we can ask when we get lost in readings of verses or books. So, don't be embarrassed to ask; religion is there to comfort, lead and connect....and it's an amazing search to be on. Remember that not everyone in the world has such freedom so be sure to take advantage of that wonderful freedom.

And so, dear self, Happy Birthday. Continue to play with Emma and forget the dishes till later, sing any time the mood strikes, laugh as often as possible, take time to nurture friendships and enjoy each day.

That's really what it's all about....

"Adoption Diaries"

 

Last night, i had some time to myself after i put Emma to sleep. So, after flipping through some channels, i came across a show that was just beginning called "Adoption Diaries". I am a sucker for happy endings, happy stories, happy songs and movies where everyone loves each other and holds hands. This show looked like it was one of those types of shows as it was the 'Diary' of a young, unmarried, twenty six year old woman who was pregnant and wanted to place her child with a family as she felt that she wasn't ready to provide for the child emotionally. She wanted her child to have a mother and a father. This young woman also wanted an open adoption and the show told how she (lets call her Amanda as i don't remember her name....) came to choose the couple that she felt was best to raise her child.

The couple wasn't able to have a child; the woman wasn't able to carry a child to term. They wanted to be parents and so they turned to adoption to help them build their family. I can't remember the parent's names, so let's call them Brad and Amy. Brad and Amy lived on a farm, loved horses and wanted children. Amanda, was raised on a farm, was also adopted, and loved horses. Amanda felt that Brad and Amy fit the description of what she wanted for a family for her child. Heck, i would have 'picked' Brad and Amy, too....but one thing kept nagging at me about Amy. I don't think that she had made peace with the fact that she couldn't have a child biologically.

As i watched this show unfold before me, i realized that Amanda made the decision to place her child for adoption intellectually. Her heart, i don't believe was on the same page as her intellect. But as the show went on, i could see that her eyes showed her heart and just how difficult a decision was going to be. Amanda's mother, who adopted Amanda at birth, said that she didn't want an open adoption when she and her husband adopted Amanda as she didn't want to "share Amanda with anyone". That comment made me sad; i wondered if Amanda's birth mother had any contact with her. I got the feeling that there was no relationship at all with Amanda's birth mother. I instantly didn't like Amanda's adoptive mother. I'm not sure why, though. How could anyone ever think that too much love from family member(especially a birth mother!) was a bad thing? I wondered what Amanda thought about this closed adoption, but she didn't say a word while her mother spoke. She just sat there....silent.

Brad, Amy and Amanda get to know each other slowly. They meet, lots of hugs all around and everything seems peachy. But as i watched Amanda closely, i got the feeling that all was not peachy with her. She seemed to say the right things, but by watching her, you could see that as her pregnancy went along, the adoption became more real to her. Plans are made for when the baby is born; Brad and Amy will be in the delivery room....they visit a few more times as they get to know each other.

Fast forward to the delivery day at the hospital. Brad and Amy are in the hospital room with Amanda, chatting with her, getting her ice chips. I was bothered. I should be cheering for Brad and Amy, right? Then why did i feel as i watched this event that Brad and Amy were ready to swoop down and carry the baby off?!? What was wrong with me? I'm an adoptive Mom, right? Then why was i on Team Amanda? I think what upset me was when Amy asked Amanda if she was sure about the adoption IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM. Are you kidding me? Why would you ask that? Amy kept saying that 'they wanted what Amanda wanted, but it sounded like hollow words to me.

Amanda's adoptive mother comes to the hospital and decides that Amanda needs her privacy; Brad and Amy are sent to the waiting room. I suddenly become Amanda's adoptive mother's biggest fan. Amy is in tears in the waiting room. There is talk that Amanda's adoptive mother is willing to help Amanda should she decide to keep the baby. The adoption plan that seemed so sure, well, isn't so sure anymore. Amy is still upset, saying that they "want what Amanda wants". I now get upset because, well, Brad and Amy are nice folks...but this whole thing, well, sucks. I want to scream at the TV to Amanda "NO, NO, NO! Don't do this! You aren't sure!" And i do what i do best at that point, i start to cry. My husband thinks i'm insane in the mist of pms and leaves me alone.

Fast forward to Amanda holding her son, holding his little hand, and looking into his beautiful eyes. Amanda is talking on the phone to a lawyer about the adoption and the release paperwork that is to be filed. She is upset, very upset. She holds her son close to her and tells the lawyer to file the paperwork for the adoption. Amanda then hangs up the phone and is in tears as she holds her son. At this point, i'm in huge tears. The big, ugly tears with hiccups and blubbering and the snotty nose tears. I am stunned that she has made this decision while she is still in the hospital with her son. Amanda continues to gaze at her son, holding him, looking at this little one as to memorize all of his perfect, little features.

The next scene shows Brad and Amy at home with the baby. They are happy to be this little one's parents, they obviously love this little one. They talk about the open adoption that they will do with Amanda and how they love her for this gift she has given them. They talk about their plans for their little son and how blessed they feel.

Amanda?

She isn't heard from again.

I, of course, want to hear about Amanda. How is she? Is she okay? Does her heart ache? Is her heart broken? Does she feel that she's done the right thing? What is she doing now? Has she seen her son? Does she regret her decision? Why aren't they showing her? But Amanda is no where to be found.

And i'm still crying big, sad tears for her.

I'm truly confused at this point as to why i'm acting insane so upset. But then, i figure it out. I see Emma's birth mother in Amanda. These questions that i want to know about Amanda, i want to know about Emma's birth mother. How is she? Is she okay? Does her heart ache? Does she feel that she's done the right thing? What is she doing now? Does she want to see, kiss, hold and tell Emma that she loves her more than anything? Does she wonder if Emma will ever be able to speak Spanish? Does she worry that i won't mention her? Does she think about her? Does she wonder if Emma is safe and loved? Does she regret the decision to place Emma up for adoption?

I don't have the words to describe how much i love Emma and how much i love being her Mommy. This child, this little child has shown me how to love unconditionally. I feel so very blessed....until i remember that Emma's birth mother had to place her for adoption in order for me to become her mother. My heart feels blessed but i am willing to bet that Emma's birth mother doesn't feel so blessed. I pray for Emma's birth mother daily and at night, Emma and i say our prayers and ask God to watch over Emma's birth mother and keep her safe.

My husband feels that it is not my place to search for Emma's birth mother. He says that he speaks from experience, having found his birth father at the age of twenty five. Emma's search, should she decide to search, is her decision and her decision only. Not his, not mine. It's Emma's decision and only Emma's. I think that my husband thinks that i need to back away leave this searching thing alone. I'm not convinced, but for now, i will leave it alone.

And i continue to ask God to reassure Emma's birth mother's heart that Emma is happy, beautiful, loved and taken care of. That i sing to her every day. That i am teaching her Spanish. That she is a funny, dare-devil of a child who loves to laugh, sing, play and run. I ask God to watch over Emma's birth mother and keep her safe...

....and i now ask him for the same thing for Amanda.

A New Favorite Song....

Yeah. I'm a Keith Urban stalker.

I can't help it.

Love this song... :)

I sing it really well in the shower, lol....

Guatemalan Army Stole Kids for Adoption

Guatemalan Army Stole Kids for Adoption

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In a Rut?

 

Or maybe just a sad mood? Whatever it is, well, it's not fun.

I suppose that everyone gets in a mood like this at one time or another where the only thing that seems to help is a long soak in a bubble bath alone. But this mood hasn't shaken off yet and i'm on my fourth bubble bath. I look like a fat fluffy raisin, for heavens sake. With Emma not feeling well, we've stayed in the past few days (not even going to the Y for Zumba) and i think that it's taken it's toll on me. Right now, even a trip to Walgreens looks like a load of jam-up fun. Yeah, it's gotten that bad....

...but this photo makes me smile, so it's a start.

Emma is still napping so i'm off to the shower. (Not a word out of ANY of you-i KNOW it's almost 3:30pm!) After she wakes up, we are outta here. Not sure where we'll go; maybe WalMart to shop, or to the park...but the sunshine will do us both good.

And hopefully, get rid of my raisin-looking bubble bath skin!

Guatemalan Women Targeted....

....by Violent Street Gangs.

I received this clip from my friend, Nancy. Change is to come to Guatemala...but change in cases of violence against women may come too slowly.