Thanksgiving Plans!

Since it seems that we will be without family visiting for the upcoming holidays, we've decided to do something different. Well, okay, "i" am doing something different. I'm going to run in "The Turkey Trot" which is a 5K that our town has every year. I needed something to concentrate on so i wouldn't be sad about who is coming or who isn't coming or who doesn't know or who can't figure it out. Robert has suggested that we go to Gulf Shores for Thanksgiving, but i think that this running in the Turkey Trot is a much better idea. I've always wanted to run in a 5K so here's my chance!

I actually found a site called "Couch To 5K". It sounds like a do-able plan; of course, reading the program and actually doing the program are two different things, but i have 5 months to get ready. This program is set up for 9 weeks, three times a week. I'll be doing Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays

Surely i can...well, surely i can!!

Here's the program:
WEEK ONE~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

WEEK TWO~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

WEEK THREE~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:
Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

WEEK FOUR~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes)
Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

WEEK FIVE~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

WEEK SIX~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)
Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

WEEK SEVEN~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).

WEEK EIGHT~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).

WEEK NINE~ Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

I'm excited and a little nervous. I've been running the nature trails at the park by our home. It's a fantastic trail and i love going there. So, i'll be sure to keep an update!

What in the world?

I am in a huge funk. Not sure why and i can't put my finger on it but it's really not fun. I'm not sure if it's my sister's situation, my being worried about being a part of the MOPS leadership next year, my missing my Mom or just that it's 'that time of the month'. But whatever it is, i'm sick of it!

Times like this, i try to write a grateful list. You know, one of those lists that show you what a ding-ding you are for feeling the way you are feeling? And so, here goes my grateful list:

1. I'm grateful for being Emma's Mommy; she is the light of my life.
2. I'm grateful for Robert (who has tried to get my out of my mood, lol)
3. I'm grateful for my friend, Melissa, who always manages to get me to laugh with her emails; now if she would move closer to me....
4. I'm grateful that although chubby, i'm pretty healthy; i'm working on the chubby part, btw.
5. I'm grateful for our home which i love; some folks have no where to call home.
6. I'm grateful i'm a stay-at-home Mommy; some Mommies have no choice but to work.
7. I'm grateful for computer acess, lol...
8. I'm grateful that i had my Mom for 41 years...i could have lost her a lot sooner.
9. I'm grateful that Emma is home with us and not stuck in the middle of the Guatemala adoption slow down; there are too many children not home with their families yet.
10. I'm grateful for Emma's hugs and mushy kisses
11. I'm grateful that i married someone who laughs with me and who loves me; so different than my first marriage but that's another post...
12. I'm grateful that i've been blessed with the life that i have.
13. I'm grateful for my sister (even if i think that she's a loopy, loopy nut job right now)
14. I'm grateful for my niece and nephews who make me smile when i chat with them on the phone.
15. I'm grateful for a husband who loves his family and takes care of us.

Now that's a good list. So, here's my plan for today, i will come back to this blog and read it over and over again. There is no reason for me to be in this mood.

And if that doesn't work, i'll go buy some really good chocolate. :)

More Beach Photos

 

 

 

I'm still going through our beach photos~wow, i took a LOT of photos! I still am in awe at how much she loved the water and the beach. Even at 16 month of age, you can see her personality forming, how her likes and dislikes are starting to emerge. She's funny, loves to laugh, loves to run, loves to chat, loves to be around other children, loves her baths and has a remarkable vocabulary already where she is starting to string words together. I feel blessed to be a part of this little girl's life....beyond blessed. I love to watch how Emma greets Robert at the end of the day when he comes home. It fills my soul to hear their laughter, to hear Emma's squeals of delight at being on her Daddy's shoulders.

I do find myself thinking a great deal about Emma's birth mother. How she is, where she is, does she know how much we love this child? Does she have peace in her heart knowing that Emma has a Mommy and a Daddy? Does she feel in her heart that Emma is warm, safe and happy? I find myself wanting to let her know about Emma, what kind of child she is and reassure her that Emma is fine. And of course, to tell her thank you for giving us the greatest gift; because of her, because of her unselfishness, Robert and i are parents. It is a gift that neither one of us takes for granted, not for a moment. Perhaps one day, perhaps one day, i will be able to tell her. I pray that she has peace in her heart and knows in her heart that little Emma is growing up to be a beautiful little girl...

A Birth Mother Poem by Shana Rae

 

Beyond Your Tears
(written for Sophie Lu's
Birthmother in China)

I imagine you kissed
her sweet face so round
And gently placed her
where she would be found

I imagine your heartache
your pain and your tears
I wish I could show you
and soften your fears

I’d show you a girl
with hope in her eyes
A girl who loves stories
and sweet lullabies

A girl who laughs freely
and loves to play
A girl who sings sweetly
and dances all day

A girl with a future
So funny and smart
A girl who loves music
and reading and art

A girl who I hope
has your courage one day
I know it took courage
to love and walk away

Her beautiful smile
I wish you could see
She looks like you
and laughs like me

So, imagine her laughter
Imagine her touch
I wish I could show you
she’s loved so much

Remember her face
Remember that kiss
And when you cry,
remember this

Beyond your tears
Beyond your pain
Sometimes the sun
shines through the rain

And I know that she’ll ask me
about you one day
I’ll tell her you loved her
and wished she could stay

I’ll help her remember
and imagine you, too
when she starts to wonder
and dream about you

We’ll look at the moon
I’ll give her a kiss
and when she cries,
I’ll tell her this

Beyond your tears
Beyond your pain
Sometimes the sun
shines through the rain


by Shana Rae ,
proud Mommy of Sophie Lu

Copyright © 2006 Shana R. All rights reserved.

An article

I sometimes come across articles in my Adoptive Families Magazine that stike a cord. This is one of them:



"Why Did You Buy a Foreign Child?"
When an anonymous poster invaded our neighborhood message board, I knew I had to answer back.

By Jennifer Maslowski

I live in a fairly close-knit community in New York City, with my husband and four-year-old daughter, from China. Our neighborhood has an online message board that is used by more than 600 families. Many of the members have nothing more than a geographical location and parenthood in common. But our online village helps to ease the anonymity of an urban setting. Even arguments maintain some decorum, because we sign our names, along with the names of our kids.

Recently, the mother of two Guatemalan girls posted a petition regarding the potential shutdown of adoptions from Guatemala. Such forwarded links are common—people either click on them or ignore them. But the media have been tough on international adoption lately, and this post sparked an intense debate. Still, being among neighbors who knew they’d meet at a store or the park eventually, the debate stayed fairly civil.

But then came an anonymous post by “sb700,” which read: “Can’t you just adopt a poor child in the United States? Why is it so important to buy foreign children?”

For once, I resisted answering. But the next day, he (or she) added another message: “Oh, wait, some people do buy their babies. Anyway, what is the big deal? Why is it so terrible to point out that there is a financial component to adopting other people’s children? And that the U.S. dollar goes further in poor countries? The adoption purists will not be satisfied until we award them all medals for selflessly helping starving urchins from abroad.”

In the years since we adopted Alida, I’ve heard some pretty stupid comments, and I’ve tried my best to handle them. On a family vacation to Sesame Place, I heard a passer-by quip, “I wonder if it’s fashionable in China to have an American baby.” I ignored him. When our family barber asked, in front of my preschooler, “Couldn’t you have your own kids?” I shot back. I told him that my daughter was my own kid, and that he might find it intrusive if I asked whether his wife’s pregnancies were the result of birth control failures. He got the point and remains a friend.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my family was “safe” from these people. They were strangers we’d never see again, or well-meaning neighbors we could educate. But anonymity is a mighty shield—one that my neighbor, sb700, had used to its full extent. How could I deal with this unidentified, but very local, hatred? Was sb700 someone whom I (or another adoptive parent) had offended in the past? Was his or her child punched or outsmarted by a child born in another country? Was my neighbor merely annoyed by Angelina Jolie?

I tried to avoid engaging this person, as I’d been counseled to do. But I couldn’t let sb700 have the last word so publicly. So I hit “reply,” and sent a lengthy response:

“Of course, there is a financial component to adopting children, just as there is a financial component to giving birth. Did you pay the doctor, hospital, or other birth-support people who helped bring your child into the world? I paid a social worker and a nonprofit adoption agency to help bring my daughter home.

“Did you pay for food, clothing, and medical care for the first 10 months of your child’s life? I paid a Chinese orphanage a nationally standardized fee, after it provided that care for the first 10 months of my child’s life.

“Did you pay filing fees for your child’s birth certificate or social security card? I paid American and Chinese government filing fees for those same papers, plus citizenship and adoption documents.

“That’s it. In total. Not a cent of compensation went to the birthparents. There were no bribes, no cash under the table. In fact, these expenses may have been lower than the costs of an uninsured pregnancy, birth, and the first 10 months of life with a child in the United States. Did you ‘buy’ your child when you paid these expenses? Neither did I.

“Adoption is about love, sb700. Just as all real families are about love. You either get this, or you don’t. But those who get it are infinitely more blessed in this world.”

That was yesterday. No reply, at least not yet. I wish I could end this story by saying that I made peace with the situation, protected Alida from misperceptions, and helped sb700 overcome hatred. But I can’t. Nor can I stop trying.

~Jennifer Maslowski lives with her family in New York City.

Just for.....

To My Child: Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying. Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is. Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play. Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles. Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by. Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you. Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry. Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars. Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows. Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day..............

Thought about our vacation....

Well, our first "official" family beach vacation was a learning experience, my dear Emma. It was the first time that your Dad and i have traveled that far of a distance with you and much, much was learned, lol. It was also our first time in a mini-van as a family. Your Daddy felt the need to rent one so we "could take ALL of our stuff". I truly didn't think that i would be able to or need to pack a mini-van full for two adults and one child, but i did it! I was prepared for every possible emergency: Too much poopy? I was ready with tons of diapers and wipes! Too much sun? Not possible as no one was let out of my site without first being bathed in SPF 50. Spilled food on clothes? It's okay, i packed enough clothes for 10 years instead of 10 days! Hungry? It's okay, i have a TON of snacks for all of us! Yeah, as you grow up you'll learn that your Mommy has issues about not being prepared. Huge issues, in fact, that will more than likely drive you and your Dad insane at times. :)

We left on a Thursday morning at 5am on our eleven hour drive to Amelia Island. You napped a lot of the way in the morning but i could tell that you were not comfortable sleeping that length of time in your car seat. You are the type of sleeper who loves to stretch out and you just can't do that in a car seat! The drive down wasn't too bad although at a rest stop, well, i was changed forever. We stopped to stretch our legs and do the potty thing...as i picked you up to get you back into the mini-van and to stop you from running out towards the street, you were not happy. In fact, you head butted me and your head landed on my mouth where my lip broke a little and then hit me in the face with your little arm. And i popped you on the leg. I was aghast after i did it. In fact, i was in tears. I didn't think before i did it, Emma. You, of course, screamed like i had beat you with a bat. I was upset with myself because, really, did you mean to do those things? Of course not. And i acted instead of stopping to think. You were upset about going back into the car and a little cranky due to waking up so early and of course, i was stressed about the whole driving to FL thing and thinking you were going to run into the street. Be that as it may, it was still no excuse for me to pop your leg. You and i then walked over to the bathrooms again and you calmed down after a diaper change and was back to your chatty self within 2 minutes but i was forever changed. I understand that sometimes, you have to get a child's attention~especially if there is danger involved like running out in front of a car. But, even now, i can't see any reason or nor can i excuse my popping your leg. You didn't even have a red spot on your leg, but i felt my heart tear....your Dad tried to tell me that it was okay and that i didn't scare you forever and that i needed to get your attention. He may be right, in fact i'm sure he is now, but i still wish that i could take that moment back. The rest of the ride was pretty uneventful, though....you watched dvd's on our new handy, dandy portable dvd player and munched on bagels with me. You also kissed me all by yourself for the very first time without me begging you....it was a huge, unexpected moment for me and i felt forgiven for my earlier actions.



Yep, that is you and the famous Mr. Cupcake, sleeping on the floor. Funny how you liked the floor better than the pack and play, eh? After about 5 days, you finally settled down enough to sleep better...but wow, it was a rough few nights for you and for us as we hated that you weren't sleeping as well as you usually do. Lack of sleep makes a cranky baby, lol....but it didn't keep you away from one of your favorite activities: chasing me around the table. You love to be chased and to chase me! It is so much fun to watch you run around the table as i chased you, Emma. You are so joyous when you run, so full of laughter when you think that we are going to catch you. We also used this activity to tire you out....and would chase you as long as you would run. Which actually was a lot of chasing as you don't tire too easily and running is a favorite activity of yours!

I do think that we've come to the conclusion that you may have been just a little too young to fully enjoy the beach and the pool. You are now 16 months old which is just old enough to do certain things, but not old enough to fully understand what is going on. I do think that our next vacation will be something along the Disney Cruise trip instead of a beach and i think that my planned vacation for you to meet my family in Spain may have to wait till you are around five or so. While your Dad and i love to travel, we do want you to enjoy it, too. But i am glad that we were able to see that you loved water and that you have no fear which put fear into me! You have to be the most fearless child i've ever seen, Emma. I wonder and hope that you will always be this fearless in life but that you will learn caution in doses. It's great to be fearless, but sometimes caution is a good thing, too. Yeah, can you tell i'm the Mommy?

We did leave early as there was a mix up by Amelia Island Plantation about our reservation. And the fact that well, we were ready to come home. I missed home. I missed having everything i needed and i think that you missed home, too. We drove home this time at night, thinking that it would be easier on you. It wasn't as you couldn't get comfortable in your car seat and would sleep a bit and then wake up. You were restless and i don't blame you. It's so hard to be in a mini-van for eleven hours no matter how nice it is. I was SO very happy to be home. We left FL at 7pm and we were home around 5am. You had finally fallen into a deep sleep so i took you and Mr. Cupcake and put you in your crib. I almost had to laugh at watching you spread out in your crib, stretching your little legs and hugging Mr. Cupcake at the same time. It was almost as if you were saying "ahhh, so good to be home!"....

....and i had to agree.

Beach Photos!!

A year ago today.....

...last year that we heard that our adoption was final and that Emma was OUR DAUGHTER! Such an emotional day for us but what a wonderful day for us. Life, of course, has never been the same. It's much better, much richer and more joyous than i could have ever imagined it would be. Here are the last update photos that we recieved....

First Family Beach Vacation!

Yup, we are on our First Family Beach Vacation! I have photos, of course, to upload of our drive here (ELEVEN hour drive, btw) , of Emma's first time in a pool with Daddy and of course, Emma's first time on the beach. I truly was worried that she would be scared of the water but there was no reason for me to worry. Emma did so well with the water in the pool and the beach. In fact, now when we pass by the pool, Emma will giggle and point to the pool. I'm willing to bet that we have a water baby on our hands!

Amelia Island is beautiful and the place that we are staying is very nice. Emma is starting to settle in a bit although the first night was a bit on the difficult side for her. I think that the long ride down and then not being in her crib was a bit too much for her. She finally slept some, but it wasn't her usual sleep pattern. The drive was LONG....too long for my liking but Emma seemed not to have been bothered. There are lots of children here, lots of families on vacation. It's interesting; i haven't seen any families with just one child.

Gotta run....someone is crying

We're leavin'.....

...in a Mini-Van.

...Not sure how we'lll make it down....

....but off to the beach we go...

...ohhh, we're leavin' in a Mini-Van...

I'm trying to pack to get us ready for our FIRST FAMILY BEACH VACATION! WOO-HOO! So much to pack, so little time. I'm more or less on schedule, but wow....i can now see how my vacations have permantely changed forever. No more just throwing my shorts, bathing suits and flip-flops in a suitcase and packing the same for Robert and hoppin' in the car and zooming off! I feel like we are planning an assult attack on Amelia Island with all of the stuff i'm packing for my little one. Oh, and of course, lol, she's "helping" me pack. It's not going well as i'm putting things INTO the suitcases and little Emma is promptly taking things OUT of the suitcases. I may just have to pack tonight while she is asleep!

But i am excited. And a little sad....i'm sad that i'm not able to invite my Mom on our first family vacation to the beach. Oh, the fun that she and little Emma would have. I miss my Mom so very much....i feel as though there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled. I hope that where ever she is, she knows how much i miss her and love her and how i'm trying to teach Emma about her. Emma can point at "abuela's" photo and she can almost say "abuela".

I miss my Mom. :(

Sleeping Baby

My daughter has been taking a nap, for get this.....almost three hours! Of course, i have run her ragged around the house playing "Chase Mommy" and "I'm-going-to-get-you" all morning. She is sleeping with Mr. Cupcake securely under her arm. I'm sure that she is drooling on him, too, because he stinks to high heaven. Mr. Cupcake is Emma's pink elephant given to her from one of Robert's employees....he remains her most favorite stuffed animal no matter how stinky he gets.

The urge to go and watch her sleep is kinda funny. I find myself sneaking into Emma's room, holding my breath just to watch her sleep. So sweet, so innocent. Such a beautiful little one, this daughter of mine. I love to watch her and Robert when they fall asleep together. This photo is one of my favorites~they truly are two peas in a pod, those two! Nothing else to post today....

just one of those "i'm-thankful-for-my-life" moments....

Me and Pooh

Fun Photos with Daddy....

A Heavy Heart.....

Through blogging and online adoptions groups, i've gotten to "know" many people. Although we've never met face to face, i know details about their families, their lives, their feelings. It's such a privilage to be invited into someone else's life, to get to know them in ways that you normally wouldn't. I've learned to laugh with my online blogger friends, giggle at something funny that has happened in their lives, see photos of their children and projects and hurt for them when something happens to them or their families. I understand why people blog~there are so many reasons~and i've come to cherish my online "friends". In fact, some of these friends i've know since the beginning of our adoption journey. Melissa is one of these friends who i am counting on meeting one of these days....she and her husband have two little boys and recently brought home a little girl named Ana. I've been through Melissa's adoption journey~and what a journey that has been! She has an amazing blog detailing all of it....i'm in awe of her blogging!

It's friends like these, that make life's journey's so much more meaningful. These are the folks that celebrate with you, cry with you, understand you when you know that no one else does or will and will call you if need be. It's been said that God doesn't allow you to choose your family, so thank heaven's He allows us to pick our friends! I've been so blessed to find Melissa and others...and so thankful to call them "friends".

This past week has been difficult for me. Two different blogger friends of mine have had tragedies in their families. Unthinkable tragedies that brings tears to your eyes. And it's affected me in an amazing way...i am upset. I am as upset about these tragedies beyond what i had expected. Perhaps it's because the tragedies are so heart wrenching and make you realize just how very fragile life truly is. Like most folks, i sometimes take life for granted and fail to grasp every moment with both hands and live it fully. It's bothersome that it takes a tragedy to startle you enough to stop you in your tracks and make you re-evaluate what and how your are living your own life.

One of my blogger friend's sister has lost her room-mate and best friends; a 21 year old young beautiful woman in a tragic car accident. Cali held on for many days after the accident but i think that the accident was just truly too much on her body. Cali was a beautiful young woman with a wonderful life ahead of her. She was with friends in an SUV that was traveling to Disney when the car accident occured. Only one of the five in the car was wearing a seat belt. All have now passed away except for the one who was wearing the seatbelt. Cali was not wearing a seat belt. All except for one was thrown from the car in this violent accident. My blogger friend has such a strong faith in God.....so strong, in fact, that i am in awe. She and her family and Cali's family feel that Cali is now healed and is in the hands of God. They truly feel blessed to have had this young woman in their lives for 21 years. It is moments like this that i question God; perhaps everyone does in their own way, but i feel that i question more so than others. Is my faith not as strong? Or do i just want "man" answers and not "Godly" answers?

My other blogger friend this morning has lost her 40 year old husband to an infection to a heart valve that was recently replaced. John seemed to be doing well, learning to speak again and learning to walk again in physical therapy. They have two young children. The marriage seems to be one that many would be envious of~they were in love with each other and had a wondeful, wonderful relationship. They loved their life, their children, each other and also had a very strong belief in God. I can't possibly understand what my friend is going through this morning...this was totally unexpected as John was doing so well. They have posted that they feel so blessed that John is now with the Lord, that they are even more blessed for have had John in their lives for 40 years. I truly cannot imagine the saddness in my friend's heart...she is surrounded by family and friends and for that i am thankful.

I do know that God must see the entire picture while we only get small glimpses of the picture. We are suppose to trust in the Lord, to believe in the Lord's will. But what bothers me is the fear and the anger that i am feeling for my friends in my small glimpses of the picture. Fear is the one emotion that can rob us of our ability to function. Fear can prevent someone from taking action. And anger? Anger can harden your heart. I am upset for Cali's family who have lost their only child. I am angry that she wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I am fearful of how a mother must feel after loosing her only child. I am saddened for my friend who must now raise two little children without her beloved husband. I don't understand how this can possibly be a part of God's plan....and while i don't understand it, i believe that it MUST be part of His plan.

It MUST be part of His plan. Right?

Here in one of my favorite bible quotes:

Whether you turn to the right or to the left,
Your ears will hear a voice behind you saying:
"This is the way; Walk in it.
~Isaiah 30:21

Please pray for my friends.....

Watching Emma grow....

Today was a big, big day for Emma and i. Robert and i decided that it was a good idea to enroll Emma in a "Mother's Day Out" program at a local church so she could get to play with other children in a different setting. At this point, Emma may be an only child, so exposing her to other children and learning to play with other children seems like a good idea. Okay, it SOUNDS like a good idea and i'm sure it is from Emma's point of view....but from mine? I feel like i left my heart back at the little classroom where i left her with her teacher, Ms. Cindy. Emma, however, was much too excited with the new toys and other children to notice that i was having one of my "Mommy Moments". So, after making sure that all was well and speaking to the director, i got into my car and promptly cried all of the way home.

Our home is so quite without her. Something is definitely missing. It is amazing how one little child can make a home come to life. And it is amazing to me that i can love a child this much and that she loves me back. Oh, i'm sure that in years to come, i won't be "fun" anymore. In fact, i'm sure that i'll be asked to "please don't kiss me in front of my friends" or "please change out of those pants; they are kinda ugly" or even better "i can do this all by myself". It occurs to me that Emma growing up in almost a series of good-byes to the little baby that she was when she was placed in my arms. It is my job to teach her to be independent and to do things on her own in order for her to grow up and be the kind of woman that God intended her to be. And even though i know this......

.....I want so desperately to freeze frame every moment with Emma. I love how she'll call me "Mama" in the mornings when i go into her room. I love how she giggles and laughs as she chases me around the kitchen area. I love watching her figure things out~like a toy is on the table and rolls away from her and she figures out that she needs to move to the other side of the table to reach it. I love how she hugs her stuffed animals. I love how she finds comfort in stinky Mr. Cupcake the pink elephant. I love how she loves her Elmo doll. I love how she rolls the "Big Red Ball" to me. I also love playing peek-a-boo with her. My heart melts when i see her watching me and i look over to her and she smiles one of her big beautiful smiles at me. I love being Emma's Mommy....it is my greatest blessing.

I do wonder if all mothers feel as i do toward their children. Do they all ache to see them stay little and make time stand still? Do they all take this much joy in a child? And is that wrong? I honestly worry sometimes that i've made this little girl and my husband my entire life. I wonder where that career girl went to? I wonder where that runner went to? I wonder where that "it's all about me" girl went to? Where is the "sleep-till-noon" girl? Where is the woman who lived in high heels? I've become, well, I am their caretaker....i make sure what they need is taken care of. I deliver forgotten lunches to my husband. I make sure that i kiss him good-bye and hello every morning when he leaves for work and every evening when he comes home. I know that he feels better when there is no clutter, so i try to keep it manageable. I make sure that the house in as danger-proof for Emma as i can make it. I make sure that she and i get to the park so she can run and play to be healthy. I make sure that we eat as we should. I make sure that all laundry is done and put away. I make sure that things are ironed. I make sure that we get to where we need to be on time. I try to make sure that we have fresh flowers and fresh veggies. I try to make sure that they are both happy and that the house if full of laughter. I kiss them so much that i think i drive them both nuts at times. And i constantly, constantly, constantly thank God during the day for blessing me with this life.

With all of the excitement of getting Emma to her class this morning, it never once occurred to me what i was going to do after i left her in her classroom. I have until 1pm till i am to pick her up. It's 10am now. That's THREE hours without Emma. And although i'm sure that i'll eventually maybe look forward to Mother's Day Out....well, right this second?

I miss my daughter. I miss her very much.

A Boat With No Paddle~or how to eat 2 bagels without blinking.

The word "binge" can strike fear into most folks who are trying to navigate through their new, healthy lifestyle. The word brings so many emotions along with it-fear, sadness, angry, tears, resignation, joy, euphoria (very short lived, btw....) and a sense of failure. Having been a member of WW before, i've seen and been a part of binging. And it's not been pretty. And the damage can be shocking and can mentally set one spiraling downwards....

So this time, i had a a "plan". I would pick one item if a had a successful weigh in that i could have. I would enjoy this picked item on our best china, eat it taste by taste, morsel by morsel, log it and go on. Usually the treat was a dessert like a piece of really good cheesecake from my local favorite small town restaurant which i would cut in half and share with the husband. That one treat would satisfy me. It soothed my soul. I never overdid it and occaiosnally i would pick something odd like fresh peaches with a touch of whipped cream. If i had a bad weigh in (i've not had one yet) i would not get to enjoy this little ritual. Seems INSANE to reward myself with food, doesn't it? So, Since joining WW nine weeks ago, i've been bingeless due to this "plan" of mine. I started this "damn-it-i'm-getting-healthy" journey at 240 lbs (yes, sigh, you read that number correctly) almost a year and a half ago and i'm now at 177 lbs and a size 12. It's been a long road but i have no one to blame by myself for getting here. And i've done REALLY good.....but.....

I've now ended my binge-free streak, folks.

I went house hunting yesterday with a real estate agent. My husband is out of town so he suggested i go without him as "i-know-what-he-likes". In other words, he wanted me to weed out things that looked like they had been decorated for a porn movie or were in so need of a repair that only a bulldozer would get the job done. I had my weigh in at 9am (i lost 1.4!) and i took my daughter back home to meet the babysitter and then i had a quick breakfast and met the realtor. And off we went. ALLLL DAYYY LONNNNG....house after house. I have to hand it to her, she showed me some beautiful houses but they just didn't "feel" like home. I know that when you take YOUR stuff and put it into a new home, it changes the way you feel about a house, but i didn't even get that kinda feeling.

I brought no snacks. None. Not even a mint. I failed to plan. I failed to plan big time. I didn't even bring water. This sweet real estate woman was on a mission....sigh.

The second to the last house (we saw six...yes, six....) i think maybe something that my husband would like. It is a nice house in a wonderful neighborhood. But to be completely honest? I love the house we are in. I love the windows, all of the light we have, our loft, the den, the sunroom where all my plants are. This is home to me. Yes, the other house is very nice. But it's not THIS house. It's not home.

At the last house, i started going through my purse for the hundredth time. Looking for something, anything that could be classified as food. At the bottom of my purse, EUREKA!! I found an atomic fire ball!! My life has been saved!! WOO-HOO! I almost eat the paper trying to get it into my mouth.....

We finish up and she drops me back off to my car and i make an appointment with her with Robert to go back to look at the second from last house for next week. In my car, there are no snacks either. Nothing. So what do i do? Yes...i go to a Shoney's. I've never been to a Shoney's but there was the big Shoney's Bear waving at people so i thought (against my better judgement) "What a wonderful idea! I'll go eat there!" And i did.

I ate OVER half of a Slim Jim and half an order of home fries and a diet coke. (not one diet coke, but two, sigh.) The whole time i am eating, i don't even consider the points in the "little" Slim Jim sandwich or the "cute" little home fries. I am consumed with eating, not tasting, but eating. And i'm eating fast without enjoyment. I am not norishing my body; i am punishing it. Then off to my home i go.....feeling stuffed, yucky and full of grease. I've limited the amount of meat that i've eaten to almost zlich and my stomach now reminds me why by protesting loudly. I'm not happy with myself, either. I could have waited till i got home. I should have waited till i got home. I should have ignored that goofy, dancing bear and drove straight home.

At home (ahh, sweet home!!) my daughter is excited to see me. The babysitter leaves and i play. And play some more. And i don't plan my next meal. So, of course, i then eat 2 mini bagel that i bought for my daughter to help with her teething. I don't even slow down between bagels. Is this due to my limiting bread or has skipping lunch and not planning really helped me do all of this? And then? Was i finished? Oh, no, of course not! Half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a cup of 1% milk is how i celebrated the end of the day. Had i just stopped to write these things down BEFORE i ate them, i am willing to bet a million chocolate ho-hos this binge of mine would have never happened. But i didn't stop to think. I didn't plan. And that is where i got into trouble.

So, it's a new day. The damage from yesterday has been logged and tallied and it's time to move on. A Slim Jim sandwich "delight" is a "mere" 11 freaking points. The home fries at 1/4 of a cup are 1.5 (which HAS TO BE INCORRECT, but that's what i got from dwlz) the diet cokes were no points, the mini bagels clocked in at 2 points a piece, my half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cost me 8 points and the milk was 2 points. A grand total of 30.5 points for the day when you factor in my Kashai Cereal with a cup of 1% milk for breakfast. Needless to say, i used all my points yesterday and dipped into my flex points.

But today? I am back on track and i've learned the same lesson again:

IF YOU DON'T PLAN, THEN YOU ARE IN A BOAT WITH NO DANG PADDLE AND HAVE LITTLE CHANCE OF DIRECTING YOUR BOAT!!!

Lesson learned.