Let Them Eat Cupcakes!

I'm working on this week's Spark MOPS Challenge, so yesterday, after playing and running with Emma in the yard and looking at ladybugs (which are so neat to look at when you look at them through the eyes of a 15 month old!) i decided to make some cupcakes for a member of my adoption support group who had outpatient surgery a few days ago. I though it would be fun to take Emma with me to deliver them-it's never to early to start showing a child how to take care of friends and neighbors even if it just involves bringing cupcakes!

I've always been a fan of cupcakes....it goes back to childhood when my Mom would make them as a special treat. I'm sure that all children think that their Moms make "the best" cupcakes, but my Mom really did. And of course, it was even better when she let me 'help' her. One of my favorite kind of cupcakes that she would make were strawberry ones. She would use white icing and red sprinkles and the cupcake holders would be pink and white. It's amazing how many long lasting and sweet memoires i have of her baking for us. After school, there would either be fresh cookies or a bar cookie and she would be waiting for me, ready to hear about my day. At the time i thought it odd that she didn't work and was a stay at home Mom; but now, i realize what a gift it was for me. And now i realize how much "work" is involved in being a stay at home Mommy! But, back to cupcakes....

My friends is also a WW fan, so i made these from the Hungry Girl Site. I'm not sure if this recipe is in her new cookbook or not-i'm willing to bet that it is. I've made some notes in the recipe that i noticed while making them. Of course, since i baked them, Emma and i had to try one! Very good....but i had to buy a bag of caramels for the icing. The caramels couldn't stay here our home, lol, so when i packed up the cupcakes to deliver them, i sprinkled the caramels in the bottom of my cupcake holder. Very cute...and best of all? The caramels AND the cupcakes left our home so i wouldn't' be tempted! sigh...i love caramels AND cupcakes and i know myself well-enough by now to know that it's not such a great idea to have either one around my home!

Here is the recipe that i tried (the * indicates notes from me):

Caramel Pudding Pumpkin Cupcakes (Makes 12 servings) Per serving (1 cupcake): 108 calories, 2g fat, 188mg sodium, 21g carbs, 0.5g fiber, 12g sugars, 2g protein. WW POINTS: 2 per cupcake

Ingredients for cupcakes~

2 cups moist-style yellow cake mix (1/2 of an 18.25-ounce box)

1 cup canned pure pumpkin 1/3 cup fat-free liquid egg substitute (*i used EggBeaters)

2 tablespoons sugar-free maple syrup (*i used Vermont SF Maple Syrup)

2 teaspoons cinnamon 2 teaspoons Splenda No Calorie Sweetener (granulated)

1/8 teaspoon salt

Ingredients for topping~

3 cubes (about 1 ounce) chewy caramel

2 teaspoons light vanilla soy milk (*i used Silk Soy Milk)

Directions Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all cupcake ingredients in a mixing bowl with 1/3 cup of water. Whip with a whisk or fork for 2 minutes until well blended. Spray a 12-cup muffin pan with nonstick spray or line with baking cups. Evenly spoon batter into muffin cups. (*i used liners as it's easy cleanup!) Place pan in the oven and cook for about 12 minutes until cupcakes have puffed up but still appear a little gooey on top. (*Watch your cook time as they truly don't look done, but they were done in 12 minutes!) Once cupcakes are cool enough to handle, arrange them closely on a plate so that the edges are touching. Place caramel and soy milk in a tall microwave-safe glass or dish (mixture will bubble and rise when heated). Microwave at medium power for 1 1/2 minutes. Stir mixture vigorously until smooth and thoroughly blended. Return to microwave for 30 seconds at medium heat if caramel has not fully melted. Immediately drizzle caramel sauce over cupcakes.

These were really good and the drizzled caramel sauce was a fancy-type of touch to the cupcakes. sigh....i should have kept an extra one for breakfast this morning!

First Boo-Boos

I stand by the door....

I Stand by the Door by Sam Shoemaker

I stand by the door.

I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out,

The door is the most important door in the world-

It is the door through which people walk when they find God.

There's no use my going way inside, and staying there,

When so many are still outside and they, as much as I, Crave to know where the door is.

And all that so many ever find

Is only the wall where a door ought to be.

They creep along the wall like blind people,

With outstretched, groping hands. Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,

Yet they never find it ...

So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world

Is for people to find that door--the door to God.

The most important thing any person can do

Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands,

And put it on the latch--the latch that only clicks

And opens to the person's own touch.

People die outside that door, as starving beggars die

On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter—

Die for want of what is within their grasp.

They live, on the other side of it--live because they have not found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,

And open it, and walk in, and find Him ...

So I stand by the door.

Go in, great saints, go all the way in--

Go way down into the cavernous cellars,

And way up into the spacious attics--

It is a vast roomy house, this house where God is.

Go into the deepest of hidden casements, Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.

Some must inhabit those inner rooms.

And know the depths and heights of God,

And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.

Sometimes I take a deeper look in,

Sometimes venture in a little farther;

But my place seems closer to the opening ...

So I stand by the door.

There is another reason why I stand there.

Some people get part way in and become afraid

Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them

For God is so very great, and asks all of us.

And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia,

And want to get out.

"Let me out!" they cry,

And the people way inside only terrify, them more.

Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled

For the old life, they have seen too much:

Once taste God, and nothing but God will do any more.

Somebody must be watching for the frightened

Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,

To tell them how much better it is inside.

The people too far in do not see how near these are

To leaving--preoccupied with the wonder of it all.

Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door,

But would like to run away.

So for them, too,

I stand by the door.

I admire the people who go way in.

But I wish they would not forget how it was

Before they got in.

Then they would be able to help

The people who have not, yet even found the door,

Or the people who want to run away again from God,

You can go in too deeply, and stay in too long,

And forget the people outside the door.

As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,

Near enough to God to hear Him, and know He is there,

But not so far from people as not to hear them,

And remember they are there, too.

Where?

Outside the door--

Thousands of them, millions of them.

But--more important for me--

One of them, two of them, ten of them,

Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.

So I shall stand by the door and wait

For those who seek it.

"I had rather be a door-keeper ..."

So I stand by the door.

Sam Shoemaker, founder of Faith At Work at Calvary Episcopal Church in New York City, in 1926, was also one of the spiritual leaders who helped draft the 12 Steps of A.A.

A Journey To Be A 'Healthy' Mommy

I've been on a 'Get-Healthy-You're-A-Mommy' plan for a while now. It's funny, when i look in the mirror sometimes, i don't recognize myself. Gone is the runner and healthy girl from my high school and college days and like most folks, over the years, well, i've not been healthy. In fact, i dare say that i take my health for granted. But since becoming a Mommy, i realize that all of this starts with me. How Emma will see her body, how Emma will eat food, how Emma will make choices ALL start with me. It's hard to be a leader when you're not a leader yourself. And so, i'm a huge work in progress. Some days are very good, some days not so good and other days? Don't ask, but overall, i feel like i'm on the right path. I wasted a lot of time beating myself up for being 'fat'....no point in that as it's truly just a wasted of time. I don't mind being an "older" Mommy, but i do mind being the fat, older Mommy who doesn't have the energy to keep with her daughter and family.

I had a very good week thus far....while there is distance to go in this journey to a healthy life, it is slowly coming together. I have re-vamped my food choices (i've cut out my morning peanut butter and toast and replaced it with Kashai and fruit or oatmeal; i've taken to eating spinach salads at lunch with lots of fresh veggies and fruit and i've lighten my dinner meals) and that has seemed to have helped. I've also taken to eating slowly and putting my fork down while eating. The soda is gone and i truly wished that i had given that up sooner. I gave it up the end of January; only having a diet soda occasionally. I drink water only now...and i'm playing with the thought of being a vegetarian. It's a huge choice so i'm trying to ease myself into this, so we'll see. I do know that i feel better when i don't eat meat, but i love milk and cheese. I'm not on a quest to make everyone around me a vegan, it's just something that i think may be a wise choice for me.

Here is my latest favorite quote from Ramona, a spark buddy of mine who is an absolutely brilliant writer with a beautiful soul: "How many times have you told yourself "I can't do that"? Most of us probably say it more often than we realize. Every time you are faced with a challenge, do you automatically think of all of the things holding you back or do you think about all of the things have to make it possible? A positive attitude about yourself can catapult you into higher achievement. So, the next time you hear yourself saying " I can't", remember, YOU CAN!" Needless to say, the above quote is in my motivational notebook! :)

Emma and i have been doing a lot of singing especially at dinner and lunch time...which is funny as i sing horribly. Really, really, really horribly! Like cat-in-heat sounding horribly! Funny, though, she doesn't seem to notice my off-key attempts and has learned to clap and bounce and giggle as i sing "If your happy and you know it" and the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider". Of course, she may be clapping and bouncing and laughing in an attempt to try to get me to stop singing, lol, but it has been amazing. I want food to be fun and i want food to be fuel for her body and not something that she uses to soothe her soul with. She is now walking full time, rarely crawling anymore....and all of this requires more snacks and more fuel for her body. I have to say, my heart fills with joy every morning when i first go into her room and she says "Mama". My cup overflows and i am truly blessed to have this child in my life. And there is nothing like a child to make you look at your shortcomings....and being healthy is definitely a short coming of mine that i do not want to pass along to her.

Robert and i were looking at the many photos i've taken since Emma has come into our lives and we are in awe at how quickly she is growing and learning things. Where has time gone and how can i slow it down? It is so important for me to document everything for her; but as i look back on her blog, it's like i've blinked and she's now a toddler. She can point to our noses, her nose and her belly! I remember my mother telling me that i didn't understand about being a mother....and she was right. There are no words to explain the utter joy, the hard work, the awesome feelings of being a mother. I never could have imagined that a woman could love a child so much. I am trying to wean her from her bottle....she's ready, i think, but oddly enough, i'm not. I love the bottle time with her. We cuddle on the big red recliner and she holds my hand and looks into my eyes. Sometimes we both end up taking a nap together on the recliner. I know all of the reasons why it's important to get rid of the bottle....so i'm having a conversation with my heart to catch it up with my brain. :( Food wise, well, ba-bas need to go, i know....i wonder how early that babies connect comfort with ba-bas? I can see Emma relax when we have ba-ba time...and well, i do, too.

My Mother was a great example of what to eat, how to eat, how to exercise. I did very well until i went to college and then, i guess a brain fart happened and i forgot everything that she taught me. She drank water and ate fruits and veggies long before it was fashionable to do so. I hope that i can be this type of example for Emma...

Off to fix some dinner and to sing "If your happy and you know it".....

Dearest Emma....

Dearest Emma,
In two days, you will be 15 months old! How did the time pass by so very quickly? It seems as though i've blinked and you are now growing into a little girl, walking, laughing, chatting and trying to run. I've never seen a child with such a joy for life; your Daddy often tells me that we should have named you "Joy" for not only your personality but the pure joy you have brought into our lives. Our lives are truly blessed for having you in it!

Your vocabary is growing....you can now say "turtle", "mama", "dada", "ba" (which i'm sure is ball), "nana" (for banana...you point to the bananas when you say this!), "Emma" (you know your name and will say it as we walk by the little sign your Aunt Claudine gave us with your name on it in your room), "baba" (bottle). You also do this "shhh" noise which makes me smile....when you are getting into something that i'd rather you not get into or getting near the stairs, i tell you "shhh" and you usually stop what you're doing! I hate to use the word "no" so i've started using the "shhh"! You also babble excitedly with your Daddy when he comes home from work in the evenings and i haven't figured out yet which of your faces light up more when the two of your see each other...you two share an amazing bond, Emma. You love to be "helicoptered" down the stairs from your room, you love to be a "sack of potatoes" and of course, you love to be dragged around while sitting in the laundry basket! These 'activities' are Daddy-Only activities, i'm afraid-i am too much into making sure that you are 'safe', lol....

You seem to be an observer of things, interested in seeing how things work. But don't misunderstand me, you are fearless. Fearless to the point where it scares me! It seems that i can't swing you high enough in the swings, or let your Dad put you on the slide enough....you are a true lover of adventure. You also LOVE water! Bath time is a fun, fun time for you....i have finally relented to your Dad and now let you take baths in the 'big girl tub' and you are so enjoying it! You splash, giggle, lay on your stomach like you are swimming, play with your toys, splash some more, splash with your feet and hand-you are a true joy to watch when you are in the tub. I need to getsome video of this soyou can see how funny and cute you are. You will also stand UP in the tub which scares the daylights out of me, but you just giggle.

One of my very favorite moments in the day is when you are playing with your toys and i'm cleaning up or doing laundry and you will look over at me and smile and i smile back and you giggle. I can feel my heart and soul fill with love. I also love ba-ba time with you....it seems that is the only time when you slow down enough to sit with me and cuddle! You pretty much are sleeping through the night now but i still sneak in your room to watch you sleep. You usually are asleep on your stomach, holding Mr. Cupcake under your left arm as you sleep....

You have four bottom teeth, two top teeth that are almost in and two more top teeth that are coming in. Today, you actually bit my shoulder! I don't know who was more surprised that you bit me, you or me!

I hear you waking up.....gotta run.

Love you to the moon and back....
Mommy

My First Official Mother's Day

It was simply a beautiful, sweet day....and of course, i spent most of the day thinking about my mother and how much i missed her and how much i wished she was still here, spending the day with Emma, Robert and i. My heart aches as i miss her so much; i miss her phone calls, i miss her laughter, i miss her cooking special meals for me....i often wonder if my heart will ever stop aching.

I don't think that it will.

Although i'm happy that she is not suffering any more, i wish that i could just tell her one more time that i loved her and what an amazing mother she was. I would want to thank her for all that she did for me and how much i know now that she loves me. I understand all this now because of Emma....now that i'm a Mommy i understand so much better.

Thank you, Emma, for your hugs and kisses today. Those hugs and kisses made my heart feel better.

Someone sent this to me; i don't know the author but of course, it brings tears.

"The young mother set her foot on the path of life. 'Is this the long way?' she asked. And the guide said: 'Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it...but the end will be better than the beginning."

"But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, 'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

"Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the chil dren said, 'Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

"And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children,' A little patience and we are there.' So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, 'Mother, we would not have done it without you."

"And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, 'This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."

"And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: 'Look up. Lift your eyes to the light. ' And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, 'This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.'

"And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, 'I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them.'

"And the children said, 'You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates.' And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: 'We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence.......'

"Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space...not even death!

"If you still have her near, then cherish and adore her! For once she's gone, there's no going back! If she has passed, then never forget her, not even for a second! For when you have passed, she will be the first waiting for you!

I miss you, Mama, and love you with all of my heart...

"Do you know what you're doing"?

"Do you know what you're doing?" a voice whispered in my ear.

It is a question that through my life i've heard whispered in my ear. Usually in times of self doubt is when i hear this question and it's usually followed with the "Are you smart enough to know what you're doing?" and many other self defeating questions usually follow. I usually have been able to talk myself through these moments and through the years, the questions was whispered to me less. As i was growing up, this question was whispered to me when i tried something new or when i was trying to learn something. It was a loud question in my college years and of course, for my first heartache of a marriage that ended in a painful divorce. The question gradually faded over the last ten years or so but of course, since becoming a Mommy, that question has once again reared it's ugly head.

The questions is often whispered to me in the early morning hours when my little daughter wakes up in tears and i'm not quite sure what to do or what's wrong. It happens when i realize that i've been following her as she toddles around our overly baby protected home like "Super-Duper Mommy" wiping out any foreseen danger that could be lurking in the shadows. The question is whispered again to me as i hold her in the doctor's office as she gets her shots and she cries and i cry with her. And of course, the question is whispered to me when i make a mistake like accidentally locking my daughter in my car in our garage and the fire department shows up to free her and comfort me or when i feed her too fast and she spits it back at me.

"Do you know how to be a Mommy?" the voice now asks me.

I've wanted to scream back at that voice, "Of course not. Of course i don't know how to be a Mommy. Do i look like i know how to be a Mommy? I don't have MY Mommy anymore, so of course i don't know how to be a Mommy because i don't have my Mommy to ask anymore!"

Mommyhood isn't for the faint of heart, i've learned. Only the toughest Mommies survive. Mommyhood is facing your deepest, darkest faults (you know, those faults that you hate to even admit to yourself that you have?) as you try to do be a better Mommy, reading any and every possible book on how to be a Mommy, silently watching how other Mommies be Mommies to their children, sneaking into bedrooms late at night to place a hand softly on a babies back to make sure that they are breathing and loving a child more than you ever possibly thought you could ever love anything. And it's also realizing that the little child loves YOU more than you ever thought anyone could love you.

My daughter is now 14 months old and i still hear this question being whispered in my ear. It's been the best year of my life and the scariest year of my life. I've learned things about myself that i didn't know and i'm learning things about my little daughter that i'll continue to learn as she grows. Maybe it's okay to hear that voice ask that question because i think that i may finally have an answer to "Do you know what you're doing?" and the more persistent question "Do you know how to be a Mommy?"

My answer is this: "No, i don't always know what i'm doing. But i do know this, i will do the best job possible with this little one that God has entrusted me with. I'll do what i think is right in my heart and love this child with all my heart". I do understand that this child is on 'loan' to me from God and while she's with me, it's my job to be the best Mommy that i can be. She's my child, yes, but she's first and foremost God's child. And you know, He picked me to be her Mommy. He picked me. He could have picked someone else, but He picked me. And my life is so much more blessed and my soul is so much more filled with love than i ever thought possible.

And it's all because i'm Emma's Mommy.

Happy First Mother's Day to me! :)

Ahhh, Thursday's Thoughts

So happy that it's Wednesday! It's not that we have a lot planned, it's just a different pace and i relax a little. I think that i take my "job" as a Mommy a bit too serious some days (okay, most days!)....Robert is the "fun" one, i'm afraid. He's the "let's-go-down-the-slide" Daddy and i'm the "that's not a little girl slide" kinda Mommy. No one ever mentioned to me before becoming a Mommy that there were so many "dangers" that i needed to "protect" my daughter from. Can you tell which one of us in our little family has some serious relaxing to do? Yup, that would be me. So, i'm trying to relax a bit more in my "Mommyness".

I try not to be high strung, really, i do. I try not to look out for danger and let Emma learn things on her own, like falling down is okay, you just get back up. I try to treat that as an "oh-oh, you fell down, you're okay" moment instead of swooping down and holding her. I don't want to be "stalker-Mommy", ready to swoop down in a moments notice to keep the world safe. (and, yes, i use to make fun of Mommies who act like i do now, wondering why in the world they wouldn't just relax?? What WAS wrong with THEM?? Yesh, it's so easy to be a Mommy when you aren't one!) If i do this, if i act like this, i worry that Emma will never learn to be a self assured little girl. It does seem to me that whether i want to admit it or not, this little girl is growing up right before my eyes and is beginning to form her own little personality. She's fearless. No steps are too much, no noise seems to startle her, she loves water and being splashed, she loves bouncing on her bouncy chair and the higher the better, being on Daddy's shoulders brings on little girls squeals and giggles as he bounces (sigh, YES, he bounces....he looks like freakin' Tigger). Meanwhile, Mommy is in the corner, hyperventilating because she thinks that the little one is in 'danger' of falling.

As a child, i remember being scared of everything. The dark, loud noise, loud voices, thunder...this list could go on and on. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason, i didn't. I always wanted to be held and cuddled. I wanted to be near my Mom....i wasn't a happy camper when she would leave the room. Maybe some children are like this, you know, it's just who they are. Maybe it's part of their personality. Maybe that's the way that God made them. So i figured that maybe, all children would be like this to a certain extent.....

Nope. Not happenin' here. Emma is independent. She's not a cuddler unless i have a bottle in my hand. She'll let you pick her up and cuddle her for a few seconds, but then she's off looking for the next adventure. She's not needy. Heck, she's an easy child when i compare her to other folks children. I guess being a Mommy is about figuring out the kind of child you have and doing the best you can to meet their needs. And it's not about smothering and chasing away all dangers. Oh, some dangers are unacceptable, but the ones like running too fast and falling? Really, i need to get a grip. I can't let my personality effect the natural Emma personality that is now starting to form. I don't want her to be scared of her shadow, i don't want her to be fearful of life, i don't want her to be scared of falling down, i don't want her to be scared of the dark.

My hope for Emma is as it is for me: to be fearless and to love herself. To take chances and to love life as she is. To not be afraid of life because after all, you do get what you put out there in life.

It truly all starts with me, doesn't it?

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

To All the Moms I Know...

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter says, casually, "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say, keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that's not what I meant at all. I want her to know that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, what if that had been my child? That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her.

I think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five-year-old boy's desire to go to the men's room, rather than the women's, at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who changes the baby and who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again, for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice, and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reach across the table, squeeze her hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God...of being a mother.

—Dale Hanson Bourke

Making Peace....

I think that we all sometimes struggle in our relationships with our parents as we get older. We finally come to see them in "grown up" terms realizing that they, like anyone else, have faults. Parents are seldom perfect and i know this now, but i guess i hold parents to a higher standard and think that they should try to be as perfect as possible. (oddly, enough, i hold politicians to this same high standard....) Oh, of course, i thought all of these things BEFORE i became a parent. It's so easy to be a parent when you don't have children, isn't it?

I remember growing up, i would wait for my Dad to come home by the window, looking for his car. He would hug me, swing me around and laugh. I remember his smell and of course, at such a young age, you don't really know what those smells are....it's a Daddy smell. Being in the military, he was gone a lot....sometimes for well over a year at a time. Naturally, my sister and i had a stronger relationship with my Mother as it seemed to be just the three of us growing up. My Mom was a great cook and even a better baker. Many hours were spent in the kitchen with my sister, watching her cook, wishing that one day, i would be able to cook as she did. I always thought it odd when i got into my teenage years and saw how when my Dad did come home, my Mom, my competent strong Mom, would take a back seat to my Dad and let him handle things. And of course, it was during my teenage years that i figured out that "Daddy smell"....it was a sweet mixture of sweat and liquor. It goes without saying that during that time, i also noticed many military men drank...and drank a lot. My Dad was no exception. He wasn't a mean drunk....kind of a social happy drunk. (yeah, like that makes it better, eh?)

I never liked how he treated my Mom, though. I never felt that he was loving enough, took care of her enough, loved her like she loved him. Of course, who knows what goes on in someone else's marriage? When my Mom got sick, i was angry at him that he didn't do more, take her to the doctors that my sister and i wanted him to take her to, angry at him because he said that "she" didn't want to go to those doctors, that he wasn't more affectionate towards her. Crap, i was just angry....cancer is not a pretty disease. Many, many advances have been made in cancer, but none of these would help my Mom once my sister and i drug her the doctors that we felt could help her. It was just too late to help her.

It's well known that drinkers sometime have other vices....like gambling. Yep, my Dad signed up for that. And like most gamblers, he lost big. He lost very big. And i was the one who figured this out when i had moved down to Atlanta to take care of her during her last months. I was angry. How could ANYONE be so careless, so irresponsible? How could ANYONE loose this much money?? My Mom was so careful with money, always believing that you should save, save, save as you never know what may happen. They lived very comfortable lives because of how she saved and invested. To have this happen during the time my Mom was sick? If i needed anything to push me over the edge in my relationship with him, this did it. I haven't spoken to him since my Mom's funeral....after writing him a letter saying that if he didn't get help, didn't stop gambling, i wanted no part of his life and would not let him be a part of my life. And so it was....

...until yesterday.

A package arrived at our door. My husband orders everything online: books, diapers, formula, videos, things for his company so i picked up the package not paying attention to it and tossed it on the table. Emma and i went about our day and this package sat on our dinning room table. Upon coming home, i tell my husband that there's a package on the table for him. He comes and finds me and Emma playing "Chase Mommy" in the hallway and hands me the package. It's from my Dad. I hold the package, hearing my heart beat in my ears. What is it? Why has he sent me something? Why can't he just go away? It's easier to not think about how much i miss my Mom when i don't have contact with him...

I take the package into our den and open it. It is addressed to all three of us, which is a surprise. I peer into the package that seems to be so carefully wrapped and it is a package of the very cookies that my Mom would make for me that i loved so much: Pecan Puffs or some folks call them wedding cookies. There is also a small bag of Pecan Puffs sans pecans for little Emma. I can suddenly feel my Mom around me as i taste one of the cookies, i can feel her around me telling me that he's trying to make peace with me. And of course, i cry. Not pretty tears, or sniffing tears, but big sloppy i-miss--my-Mom tears....

I call my sister after i manage to get a hold of myself. No cookies for her. In fact, she's hasn't spoken to him in weeks...and then it was because she is handing his finances to ensure that he won't gamble away the money that is left. He apparently is staying on the budget that she has him on. She's surprised, i can tell, that he's sent me those cookies that he baked. (He is also a wonderful baker and cook; why i got none of these genes except for cup cake making is beyond me....) And then she tells me the exact words that my husband told me "You do understand that he's trying to make peace with you, don't you?"

I called him this morning. I called the house because i knew he wouldn't answer as he's at work. I thanked him for the cookies and for thinking about Emma. And tell him that i miss him. And tell him that if he wants, he can come visit. And that i love him.

And i hang up and know that i've done what my Mom would have wanted me to do....

The Saturday before last....

My husband has been planning a trip to play in a poker tournament for a while. I was fine with it; he took Thursday off to stay home with Emma and i and to run my Honda into the shop for maintenance. Robert is a very good poker player but rarely plays in tournament because of work and well, he doesn't want to leave Emma. He asked me for us to go as a family, but going to a poker tournament with a now walking one year old just didn't seem wise. He left very late Thursday night after we had put Emma to bed. It has done nothing but rain (and rain very hard since then, so Emma and i have stayed in.) While i'm thrilled that it was raining as our area had water shortages last summer, i was ready for it to stop! ;)

It's now Saturday morning...i have my second WW meeting to attend in 15 minutes and i have a meeting with an adoption group whose board i recently joined early this afternoon. I also wanted to go to the mall to walk, go to Target for some photo frames and maybe have lunch at Subway with little Emma. It was going to be a Mommy and Emma day! I woke up early, did my treadmill, ate breakfast, got my little one up and dressed and fed-and out the door we went! Heck, we were even running a little early! How often does THAT happen?

Get to the garage...get Emma in her car seat and i hop in with my car keys. Only my key for the Honda is MISSING. IT'S NOT ON MY KEY CHAIN. I keep staring at it, wondering what the heck?? I continue to stare at it, waiting for my key to magically appear. It doesn't, of course. And then it slowly dawns on me: my husband has taken the car key off my key ring when he took my Honda in for it's maintenance. I call him...and he replies "Are you sure?" Am i sure???? Is he kidding??? And then this "You can always call Enterprise, sweetie, they will bring a car to you!". I sit there in disbelief and tell him, no, i'm not calling Enterprise or asking a neighbor to help me because it's pouring rain. I tell him i have to go because i know that i am angry. And don't know why. I don't want to say anything that i can't take back. It was an accident, he didn't mean to take my key off and not replace it. I know this. So why am i so angry??

I unbuckle Emma and we go back upstairs. I'm in tears. I said i wouldn't miss a meeting. I said that i would attend the board meeting. I HATE not doing the things i commit to. I HATE not doing the things that i say i'll do. I was looking forward to this WW meeting (i lost 5 POUNDS this week on dear Betsy the scale and wanted to stand in front of someone else to show off-how funny am i?), i was looking forward to working with the women on this adoption board. I am stuck here till Sunday when hubby gets home. I am stuck in the house. I feel like a caged woman (Mommy).

I cry hot tears...and i realize that it's more than that. Since being married i've tried to do all of the things i'm suppose to do. I do it out of love; after a horrible first marriage, i realize how important it is to do your part and to give all that you can possibly give. Since being a Mommy, i have done the same thing. I have taken care of both my husband and daughter-every day in every way that i possibly can and i've done a good job. And i feel truly blessed and have loved doing it. But every now and again, well, i miss my prior life. I miss working at my old job (i loved my job), i miss thinking only about me, i miss sleeping in, i miss going to a gym anytime i want, i miss spending 'my' money (how shallow is that? sigh....my husband is more than generous) and not "our" money, i miss my old house that i worked so hard on to fix, i miss my garden, i miss my work friends, i miss long, long showers where i can shave BOTH legs instead of just one leg, i miss manicures, i miss pedicures, i miss volunteering with Habitat, i miss getting in my car with only my purse and singing to rock music at the top of my lungs, and i miss eating cereal for dinner.

I know that i am beyond blessed....but i realize sitting here that it's okay to miss these things. I fought so hard to be independent after my first marriage, to stand on my own two feet and support myself. I did very well financially at work and i had made a nice home for myself by working very hard at fixing it up. I would NEVER trade what i have now for what i have then....

...but every now and again, i miss my old life. And that, i realize now, is okay.

I love cookbooks!

I love cookbooks. Love them. I really love cookbooks with great photos that actually show what the food is suppose to look like when it's done. Of course, some of these cookbooks that i have aren't exactly 'every-day-kinda-cookbooks" meaning that the recipe would take a lot longer than a Mommy of a one year old has time to do. My love of cookbooks goes back to my Mother; we would trade cookbooks and flip though new ones together. When she was sick and bed ridden, we would often watch the Food Channel together. It was a way to for us to be together and i think watching the Food Channel gave us a chance to talk at times as if nothing was wrong and that cancer wouldn't take her life. She was like me in her tastes in cookbooks-the more photos, lol, the better. She was a MUCH better cook than i ever hope to be....she would try recipes often and they usually came out wonderful. She had many Spanish cookbooks that i now have along with her favorite recipes. I have many happy memories of her and i in the kitchen....the kitchen was "the" gathering room for us for holidays, get-togethers and just were we would gather on a daily basis. I hope to make a cookbook for Emma one day of all of the recipes that i've come to love and the cookies that i plan to bake with her. Cooking can be fun and it's a great way to stay healthy as you have control over what you make!

I'm more of a baker than a cook so i lean towards cake and cupcakes-hmm, i guess that's one of my downfalls! I love cupcakes-a cupcake can bring out the kid in anyone. I do love to bake, but one of my new rules this year is if i bake it, i keep a serving here for Robert and i and the rest is given to friends or neighbors. I know myself well enough to know that i can't keep stray cupcakes in our home!! My attempts at some cake and cupcake recipes end up looking like a science experiment that one did in high school but that hasn't stopped me from trying because no matter how they've looked, most of them were really tasty!

My favorite new cookbook is the Hungry Girl Cookbook. I get the "Hungry Girl Newsletter" in my email box each morning and it is a truly fun read. If you don't get the newsletter, you should! Lots of great advice, recipes, new items to try...it's just a fun newsletter. The cookbook is a lot different from my other cookbooks-it has 8 pages of color photos, it's paperback and has lots of cool drawings. But it's a cookbook that i feel that "I" can use often and it has all of the nutritional information for all of the recipes. It also gives you info on the types of products used but cautions that the nutritional value may change if you indeed substitute. There is also a fun "survival guide" in the book that's a great read and there is a list of recommended products. (She is paid NO endorsement fees from companies, it's just a list of food that she's put together that she and her staff love.) It's a keeper of a cookbook and i can see myself using this cookbook often....and it's not only because the recipes are good but also because they are EASY! (That's a Mommy-Favorite Word right now!)

Here is a recipe that i've tried and loved:

Yum Yum Brownies Muffins

~Ingredients:

1 box of devil's food cake mix (about 18 oz)

1 can 15-ounce can pure pumpkin

~Directions: Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix the two ingredients together. DON'T add anything else that may be mentioned on the box like eggs, oil or water. The mixture will be very thick, so you might be tempted to add in other things to make the batter smoother. DO NOT DO THIS! :) Place batter into 12 muffin pan lined with baking cups or sprayed with non stick spray. (i do the non-stick spray and they come out great!) Place pan in over and bake for 20 minutes.

Makes 12 servings. ~Per serving: (1 muffin) 181 calories, 3.5 g fat, 357 sodium, 37 carbs, 2g fiber, 20g sugars, 2g protein. WW POINTS: 3

A note about the WW points: all of the recipes in the book are listed on her site WITH the WW points values. She is a huge fan of WW and supports them.

I also have one for Dreamy Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge that is in this book, too....if you want the recipe, let me know and i'll be sure to pass it along. It's an easy one, too....and no one who i've given it to has any idea that it's not a "real" piece of fudge. :) It's good to have these types of recipes handy as you can bring them to the office or a cookout and know that you are staying on track. And of course, lol, i'm always on the lookout for favorite recipes...so if you have any, please share with me!!!

You want me to do what??

I suffer from the "Sure! I can/help/do/take care of that" syndrome. Usually, i'm happy that i was able to help someone and i seem to get much more out of what i've done than what i've given. It's also lead me to do more sometimes because i know that with only one child, well, i'm able to do more than someone with a larger family. And who am i trying to kid? It's been fun helping, too! I've brought meals to families, baked cupcakes, ran errands, sent cards...it truly makes your soul fill with joy when you know that you've helped someone. It's even better when you help and no one knows it was you that helped!

As a first year member of MOPS, i've so enjoyed myself. Really. I loved meeting other women and hearing ideas from them and heck, i just loved having adult girl conversations! I did feel out of place my first few meetings; it was hard leaving my little daughter in the MOPPETS room (the first time was a crying disaster for "me"....Emma had a great time, btw.) and it was hard being with women who had such strong religious faith as i am still learning and finding my way. I was in awe of some of these women...they truly seemed to know their calling, they truly seemed to know the bible, they truly had an unbending faith in God, and they truly seemed to know 'how' to be a Mommy. Meanwhile, over in my chair, i was still searching for answers and still trying to find my way, not daring to tell anyone that i diapered Emma backwards or that she accidentally rolled off our bed or better yet, that i had locked my precious daughter in my car with me on the outside of the car! What would they think of me?? Luckily, i had a fantastic care group leader who did her best to make me feel welcome and feel like i was a part of the group. Slowly, but surely, i've made a small circle of women friends who i can chat with, call and talk to. Our MOPS group is huge-there are over 80 members in our group and we are at 10 women to a table so it's hard to know everyone but it's great to feel that you are a part of this group.

Our year is ending for MOPS and the leadership drive was started a few weeks ago. I remember chuckling to myself after one of my favorite mentors asked me if i was considering being on the steering team next year "Are you kidding?? Me?? I'm still learning how to be a Mommy! And i don't have a lot of answers. I can barely lead me, much less lead anyone else!". I just smiled and said "No, i hadn't considered it." and left it at that. The next meeting, my care group leader asked me about it-maybe to consider being a care group leader? Again, i chucked....she was helping me un-glue my craft day project from the table where i had accidentally glued it (sigh, nope i'm not crafty, lol) and just shook my head 'no'. After the meeting, i was headed to the door to pick up my daughter when our coordinator stopped me with the Leadership Application in hand.....and asked me to please pray about it, that she thought that i would be wonderful addition to the steering team.

So, my application is done and has been turned in. I was honest as i could be on the questionnaire. And it was a hard questionnaire for me. Questions like "If you were at Heaven's gate and the Lord wanted to know why you should be let in, what would you say?" and "What are some of your qualifications to be in MOPS Leadership?" took a bit of time to answer. I mailed it in because i said that i would....feeling smug as i knew that they wouldn't (and couldn't!!) possibly want me.

They do. This is just proof that God, indeed, has a sense of humor.

I applied for Care Giver or In Reach positions. Our Search Committee wants me to do Publicity. I think they have me mixed up with someone else. The only thing i know about publicity (which includes doing the newsletter and directory) is that it is a HUGE job. It's a HUGE job. Did i mention it's a HUGE job?? They've asked me to please pray about it....and i am. But Publicity? Me? Really? Can i do this??

And so, i'm praying. And speaking to some of my MOPS friends....who are apparently in on this as they think it's fantastic. I don't know, i truly don't know if i would be over my head or not. I'm a classic "A" type of personality.....and although i'm quite funny, lol, i'm high strung, too. Is this really what they need?

My favorite mentor emailed me this quote yesterday:

"I can do what you can't do and you can do what I can't do. Together, we can do great things." (Mother Teresa)

So, we'll see.....i have much thinking to do. I truly don't know....and of course, the position scares me.

Can i do this? Can i?

So happy it's Saturday!!

So happy that it's Saturday! It's not that we have a lot planned, it's just a different pace and i relax a little. I think that i take my "job" as a Mommy a bit too serious some days (okay, most days!)....Robert is the "fun" one, i'm afraid. He's the "let's-go-down-the-slide" Daddy and i'm the "that's not a little girl slide" kinda Mommy. No one ever mentioned to me before becoming a Mommy that there were so many "dangers" that i needed to "protect" my daughter from. Can you tell which one of us in our little family has some serious relaxing to do? Yup, that would be me. So, i'm trying to relax a bit more in my "Mommyness".

I try not to be high strung, really, i do. I try not to look out for danger and let Emma learn things on her own, like falling down is okay, you just get back up. I try to treat that as an "oh-oh, you fell down, you're okay" moment instead of swooping down and holding her. I don't want to be "stalker-Mommy", ready to swoop down in a moments notice to keep the world safe. (and, yes, i use to make fun of Mommies who act like i do now, wondering why in the world they wouldn't just relax?? What WAS wrong with THEM?? Yesh, it's so easy to be a Mommy when you aren't one!) If i do this, if i act like this, i worry that Emma will never learn to be a self assured little girl. It does seem to me that whether i want to admit it or not, this little girl is growing up right before my eyes and is beginning to form her own little personality. She's fearless. No steps are too much, no noise seems to startle her, she loves water and being splashed, she loves bouncing on her bouncy chair and the higher the better, being on Daddy's shoulders brings on little girls squeals and giggles as he bounces (sigh, YES, he bounces....he looks like freakin' Tigger). Meanwhile, Mommy is in the corner, hyperventilating because she thinks that the little one is in 'danger' of falling.

As a child, i remember being scared of everything. The dark, loud noise, loud voices, thunder...this list could go on and on. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason, i didn't. I always wanted to be held and cuddled. I wanted to be near my Mom....i wasn't a happy camper when she would leave the room. Maybe some children are like this, you know, it's just who they are. Maybe it's part of their personality. Maybe that's the way that God made them. So i figured that maybe, all children would be like this to a certain extent.....

Nope. Not happenin' here. Emma is independent. She's not a cuddler unless i have a bottle in my hand. She'll let you pick her up and cuddle her for a few seconds, but then she's off looking for the next adventure. She's not needy. Heck, she's an easy child when i compare her to other folks children. I guess being a Mommy is about figuring out the kind of child you have and doing the best you can to meet their needs. And it's not about smothering and chasing away all dangers. Oh, some dangers are unacceptable, but the ones like running too fast and falling? Really, i need to get a grip. I can't let my personality effect the natural Emma personality that is now starting to form. I don't want her to be scared of her shadow, i don't want her to be fearful of life, i don't want her to be scared of falling down, i don't want her to be scared of the dark.

My hope for Emma is as it is for me: to be fearless and to love herself. To take chances and to love life as she is. To not be afraid of life because after all, you do get what you put out there in life.

It truly all starts with me, doesn't it?

Is she yours?

I suppose that all adoptive parents have questions asked to them about their children at one time or another. I've read about many of the questions that other adoptive parents have been asked on an adoption site that i visit often. Some of the questions are funny like: "Are they your REAL children?" and "Are you their REAL Mommy?" and my favorite "Is she yours?" but for some reason, i never thought anyone would ask 'me' a question about Emma. I'm not sure why, i just never thought anyone would. You mean she doesn't look like me? Really? To be honest, it rarely crosses my mind that we don't look alike. She does have this beautiful black hair like my husband and this incredible skin. She's very fair and such a cutie. Yeah, yeah, i know that i'm basis, but really she is a beautiful little girl.

Well, today, someone did asked me "the question" of "Is she yours?". Every Tuesday i take a bible study class and Emma goes into the church day care. She loves it there; loves the other children and the care givers are really, really good. Today, after i had gotten Emma's jacket off and she toddled away to play, one of the care givers asked me: "Is she yours?" I guess i must have looked goofy because she continues with "I hope i'm not being rude by asking......" as she trails off. I then realize that she's asking me if Emma is mine. Don't ask me why, LOL, i just assumed that everyone else thought the same thing that i did...OF COURSE SHE'S MINE! And then, i wonder why she's asking....and how do i answer, and is she asking because i'm old and chubby (sigh, don't beat me up, readers, these are my thoughts....my friends don't think that i'm chubby or old, lol) or heck, why is she asking?? Don't i look like a Mommy?? It's what i'm wearing, isn't it? Do Mommies wear Cole Haan shoes? I'm sure it's my hair, isn't it?? It is sad how my mind rambles, eh?

I finally find my voice and after smiling and saying "Oh yes, she's mine! Isn't she beautiful? My husband and i adopted her from Guatemala. I can't tell you how blessed we feel that we have her in our lives!" And as i look up, i see this woman staring at my Emma with tears in her eyes. Her story tumbles out...how it has been a dream of hers to adopt from China since she was a teenager. She wasn't sure why China, she just felt 'called' to adopt from there. Unfortunately, the 'rules' for adopting from China have changed recently and there are many new rules and due to her weight, her and her husband's BMI was much too high to be able to adopt from China. She and her husband now remain childless as they figure out what to do. They are looking into another country and they are also looking into domestic and the state foster to adopt program. She is so wonderful with those children in Emma's group and i know that she would make a wonderful Mommy no matter what her weight is. There are so many children out there that need a Mommy and Daddy to love them....

I think that i may have a new walking buddy if i can talk her into it...she is scared to try to loose because she's tried so many times before and failed. She is looking in gastric bypass surgery and she feels it's her only hope to be healthy. She tells me that she's always loved how i dressed and how i carry myself and how she sees me in the park with the stroller and Emma and wishes that she could be doing the same. Of course, i am amazed that anyone looks at me much less thinks that of me; she must have me confused with another Mommy. She thinks it's impossible to loose weight on her own...she is such a nice woman and is so good with those children in her class and it breaks my heart to hear her words. As i look at her, i see some of me. Scared of trying for failing, scared of not trying at all, scared of being trapped in her body forever and scared that she will never be free of the weight to go after her dreams. And i walk away promising myself that i will not let weight be my excuse anymore. I refuse to let my weight be a roadblock...especially since i'm working on it. And i want the same things for this sweet woman. And even if she doesn't know it yet, she's my new walking buddy...

Where did THAT Cherrio come from???

As a first time Mommy, you learn lots of new and interesting things. Like what you think is sand in your sweet daughter's poop is NOT sand (thank you, Dr. Rothman for not laughing at me hysterically when i called about this, btw) but just undigested Cheerios. Really, who knew? Emma has never been even near sand yet so i couldn't figure out, oh, never mind. Undigested Cheerios look like sand? Really? It's not in any of the child care books i've read. As a first time older Mommy, it's almost a job requirement to read every possible book you can get your hands on about how to raise a child and there was never any mention of how Cheerios can look like sand in a baby's poop. ick....let's just say, i have a lot to learn about my new Mommy gig.

But i love being a Mommy. You hear about a "Mother's Love" but until you feel it, until you wrap your arms around it, you truly don't understand. I am now one of "them"....you know, the women who can hear their child whimper from 5 miles away, the women who can make boo-boos better with a kiss and a hug, the women who get thrown up on by their little ones and don't care, the women who sleep with one ear 'on' all night in case they are needed to chase away bad dreams, the women who love like they never thought possible. I will also be among the ranks in years to come to wear a Mother's Day macaroni necklace, which i am truly excited about. And all because of a little child who calls you "Mama". It is indeed, the sweetest word to hear.

As an older first time Mommy, i sometimes feel like i'm trying to swim on dry land. Being a Mommy doesn't SEEM like hard work, but it is. It is 24/7 around here, with no time off, no bonus (unless you count hugs and kisses), and no hope of shaving both of my legs at the same time for a very long time. As a former career girl, i was the 'go-to' girl; you know, the one who get things done and knows her job backwards and forwards. Fast forward to now where i'm like a clueless Mommy, learning as i go, making all kinds of goofy mistakes as i go along. Some mistakes are funny and thankfully, none of the mistakes have been life threatening. Lucky for me, i have a little girl who is very forgiving (even when i diaper her backwards) and doesn't quite yet realize that i'm learning this Mommy job as i go.

And oh, i hear the sweetest word now....it's actually the screaming of the sweetest word, but oh, what a sweet sound. I'm a Mama! :)